I Am
by RunningWolf99
Summary: --"Tatiana Wisla knew who she was, or at least that was what she had thought for so long."-- Tatiana has to reconsider who she is after she starts to see a certain navi in a whole new way. Shoujo-ai/ girls' love
1. I Am?

I Am

A/N: I couldn't find the type of Last Exile story I wanted to read, so I wrote one! Enjoy! ( Disclaimer: I do NOT own Last Exile or any of its characters) (Warning: Shoujo Ai/ girls loving girls content ahead!- Yes, I know most of you who clicked on this are probably saying "Yay, bring it on!" right now, but this is just incase anyone didn't read the summary.) (Below is a poem with the same title as the story. Disclaimer: I do NOT own this poem either.)

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I Am

by: John Clare

I am: yet what I am none cares or knows,  
My friends forsake me like a memory lost;  
I am the self-consumer of my woes,  
They rise and vanish in oblivious host,  
Like shades in love and death's oblivion lost;  
And yet I am! and live with shadows tost

Into the nothingness of scorn and noise,  
Into the living sea of waking dreams,  
Where there is neither sense of life nor joys,  
But the vast shipwreck of my life's esteems;  
And e'en the dearest--that I loved the best--  
Are strange--nay, rather stranger than the rest.

I long for scenes where man has never trod;  
A place where woman never smil'd or wept;  
There to abide with my creator, God,And sleep as I in childhood sweetly slept:  
Untroubling and untroubled where I lie;  
The grass below--above the vaulted sky.

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Chapter 1: I Am…?

Tatiana Wisla knew who she was, or at least that was what she had thought for so long. Then a young boy with a strong spirit made her look at herself, and her life more closely than she ever had before. And she saw things she had never really noticed before, her "friends" for instance or rather her only real friend, her best, closest friend and navigator. After returning to the Sylvania after she'd thought she'd lost everything, she was seeing Alister in a whole knew way, and it was making her question who she herself was. She just wasn't sure anymore.

She saw the look on Lavie's face when they returned, and she was wearing Claus's jumpsuit. If she had been better at talking to people she would have explained it meant nothing, or perhaps if she had just cared more. The truth was it really did mean _nothing_, Tatiana liked Claus but not in a romantic way. She was only looking at him differently because she respected him now. She felt he had taught her something, and any one who could break Tatiana's tough exterior long enough to actually change her mind was worth respecting.

Lying on her bunk once again safe on the _Silvana _her mind raced. This whole situation had gotten her to think about her life. For instance; why didn't she like Claus? He was pretty damn likable, with his heroic, innocent charm, and his pretty-boy good looks. But when she thought about it she never really did have crushes on boys like most young girls. She assumed she was always just too busy for that sort of hormonal love, but plenty of other girls at her academy had had crushes. "Well," she thought, "I've always just paid more attention to those who are important to my work, like Alister, I love Alister…" She startled and surprised herself with that last thought! "Do I…_love_… Alister?! How? Like a pilot should love her navi…right? That's all."

The next morning she found her self lost in thought. Her face screwed up, biting her bottom lip as she unconsciously starred at Alis as she ate breakfast. She was trying to figure out what she felt about her as a person rather than just a navi. "Well, she certainly is my best friend," she thought as she remembered all the time they'd spent together, the letters to her parents she'd wrote: "My best friend Alister is always at my; as long as she's around, I'll be fine." But lately she hadn't been treating her as a treasured friend but only as a navigator, someone she merely worked with. But that's what happens sometimes when you're always with someone you start taking them for granted. You forget, or rather you ignore how deeply you care for them and start being cold and mechanical just so you can more easily get through the day. Because emotions can hinder you when you work in a situation where you must think quickly or be blown out of the sky.

Alister cocked her head a raised an eyebrow at Tatiana, noticing the girls lingering stare. "Do…do I have food on my face? Is my braid coming undone; is it not straight?"

"Wha… huh?" Tatiana didn't quiet understand why Alis was asking her these questions all of the sudden, as she wasn't aware she had been starring or making such a face.

"Why were you starring at me?" She asked as she undid her suspect braid in an attempt to fix the problem Tatiana must have been starring at her for.

"Ummm…I, ah, didn't sleep well. I zoned out for a minute, I'm sorry if I was starring."

"Oh," Tatiana rarely apologized and it caught Alis a little off guard, "that's fine." She was still undoing her hair having it more than half way down already. After she had it completely unraveled she stepped away from the table to shake it out. Tatiana's gaze followed her in amusement and just a hint of wonder,; it wasn't often she saw her friend with her long locks unleashed. As Alis shook her hair out Tatiana couldn't help herself from feeling hot and blushing slightly at the beautiful sight of her navi just being her natural self. "Heh, what?" Alis asked with a small smile.

"Huh, what what?"

"You're starring again, heh." she smiled and giggled at Tatiana's embarrassed expression. Tatiana blushed more deeply knowing that she was being laughed at, but also because she was noticing how incredibly _cute Alis was when she smiled._

…


	2. I Am Strange

A/N:Motivation needed; please review! All reviews are appreciated even criticism. Seriously, I just want to know what you think! (Note: This story is dedicated to girls who love girls.)

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"I should know who I am by now…"

"And I don't have to make this mistake

And I don't have to stay this way

If only I would wake."

-Joshua Radin- "Winter"

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**Chapter 2: I Am Strange**

They always changed into their flight suits together, so why was she just now getting embarrassed about it? Was it because usually Tatiana would be serious and focused on the task ahead, whereas now she found herself quite distracted by the young, slender body of her beautiful navigator which she had never noticed like _this_ before.

Alis unbuttoned her dark blue sailor uniform and let it fall to the floor. Tatiana gulped and tried to look away from the thin white cami that had been revealed, but she couldn't; she just sat there and blushed a deeper and deeper shade of red as her knuckles clenched to white gripping the bench below her. Alis looked over at her inquisitively and Tatiana froze. "Does she know what I'm thinking? Can she feel me looking at her in this selfish, dirty way?" Tatiana thought.

"Aren't you going to change? The captain will be mad if we're not on schedule."

"Oh, ah, right." Flustered Tatiana quickly stood up and started unbuttoning her uniform. Alister turned away from her. "Did Alis just blush?" Tatiana wondered; had she really just seen… _could _Alis tell what Tatiana had been thinking? Her eyes widened at the thought.

"Tatiana, are you feeling alright?" Alis asked causing Tatiana's gaze to linger back to her half clothed friend. Alis lifted her cami off over her head revealing the fair smooth skin of her perfect back, and Tatiana found herself at a loss for words.

"Umm, ah…. What do you mean?" She managed to get out a poor reply, not really having fully processed the question.

"You've been acting kind of strange…you haven't really been yourself lately. Are you getting sick?" Alis turned around wearing only her bra and uniform bottoms. "You do look kind of red. Do you have a fever?" Tatiana was, of course, blushing even more deeply now than before. She quickly looked down in embarrassment.

"No, ah, I'm fine, really. I guess, maybe, I'm still a little tired from what happened to Claus and me."

"Oh, well, then you should retire early tonight."

"Yes," Tatiana nodded while her eyes remained focused on the ground, "I think I will."

"Are you sure you're alright"

"Yeah, could you maybe, just…put a shirt on."

"Oh," Alis blushed and covered up her chest with her arms, "I'm sorry, it's just I'm so use to changing with you I didn't think about it, ha." She smiled and continued getting dressed, but she moved a little faster now. Tatiana continued dressing as well, but still got distracted every so often by new peaks of skin she had never noticed before. Luckily, they were only preparing to practice, so it was okay that she wasn't concentrating as well as she should have been, but what if they were in a more serious situation? Tatiana didn't want to think about it. All she could think about right now was how much she wanted to… "No, what's wrong with me!" She mentally slapped herself. Her mind kept going to a place it had never gone with Alis before. "I do not like girls like that! It's just all this time alone with her; I'm mistaking my love for lust because of hormones! I really must find a boy and try to get this out of my system." But when she thought about being with a boy it made her feel uncomfortable; somehow it seemed even more wrong than the thought of being with Alis.

…

After they had gotten back in from practice, Tatiana decided it would probably be best if she just changed in her quarters by herself, so she muttered some vague excuse of being in a hurry and left Alister in the hanger. She practically ran to her quarters, which she unfortunately shared with Alis. "Okay, if I'm changed and in bed with my eyes closed I won't have to see her anymore today." Tatiana jumped into her night close faster than she had ever had the need to before, and was in her bunk under the covers attempting to block out all of the feelings she knew she _didn't really have._ She realized she actually was still tired from her adventure with Claus, and she swiftly fell into a deep sleep.

An unknown amount of time later, (but it must have only been twenty minutes or so) Tatiana was awoken by the creak of the room door being opened. "Alis!" she thought and quickly squeezed her eyes shut. Moments later she felt a weight plop down on her bed --every hair on Tatiana's body stood on end. Then her covers were lifted up, and a warm body was pressed against her back. A soft voice whispered in her ear, "Are you feeling better?" Tatiana could swear her heart was going to beat right out of her chest.

"Umm…Alis….I, ah, What are you doing?"

"Comforting you." Alis fluttered hot kisses along the back of Tatiana's neck. Tatiana could no longer contain herself and flipped her body around to face Alis. She starred at her looking from her eyes to her lips. Alis's hands began to wander around Tatiana's body and soon found their way into her shirt to rest hotly on her bare sides. A feeling like a fire in the pit of her stomach rose up within Tatiana; she lost it and locked onto her navigators lips and didn't let go for several minutes. When she finally summed up the will to pull back from their sweet embrace she could no longer see Alis. It had gotten too dark….wait, she could no longer feel her warmth either. "Alis?" Tatiana called out into the darkness.

"What?" she heard Alis's faint reply.

"Where are you?" This time there was no reply. "ALIS?!"

"What? Tatiana…" She felt a hand on her shoulder shaking her, "wake up." Tatiana's eyes snapped open "I think you were having a nightmare. What was it about?"

"Ah," Tatiana sat up and clutched her hand to her head, "I….ah, can't remember."

"Oh, okay. Well, It's time for breakfast. Do you want me to wait for you."

"Ah, no, I'll meet you down there, okay?"

"Alright," Alis noticed how flustered Tatiana looked and frowned with concern, "are you feeling alright?"

"Yes, will you quit asking me that!" Tatiana snapped.

"Sorry, bye." Alis replied sounding like a wounded puppy before quickly slipping out the door.

"DAMN IT!! What's wrong with me!" Tatiana hit the wall with a balled up fist. She was soaked in sweat, and she still felt unnaturally hot. She couldn't get her heart to stop pounding. She clutched her head snaking her fingers into her hair and drew her knees up to her chest. "What the Hell was that dream! I'm so… strange!"


End file.
